Discussing Grief & Loss with Our Children
As news continues to unfold about the devastating flooding in central Texas, we want to point you to some helpful resources. Earlier this week, Jay Lee shared a church-wide message about how we’re responding as a church. You can read it here: Standing in the Gap for Central Texas
As parents, it can feel overwhelming to navigate conversations with our kids when tragedy strikes—especially when it hits so close to home. Below, you’ll find a few trusted resources to help guide those conversations with grace and wisdom.
In moments like these, the Church is called to lift up the grieving and the waiting, to intercede for search and rescue teams working tirelessly, and to cover this entire situation in prayer.
As followers of Jesus, we grieve—but not without hope. Our Savior knows suffering. God is near to the brokenhearted. He is with us now. I’ve been holding tightly to Colossians 1:17, which reminds us that “in Him all things hold together.” May we cling to Him, and to one another, in the days and weeks ahead.
Sissy Goff shared these 8 suggestions to guide conversations with your children.
1. Kids process differently than we do. Follow their lead.
2. Give them chances to connect with each other, whether in person or virtually.
3. Be the source. Give them short, age-appropriate facts.
4. Let them lead the conversation and questions. Kids ask for what they’re ready for. We often give them more than they’re ready for, based on our own anxiety and grief.
5. Don’t try to correct their feelings or comfort them out of those feelings.
6. Give them a chance to tell their story as often as they need to. Just sitting with them is the best comfort you can give.
7. Help them find places where they can help. PRAY. Send notes. Make lemonade stands to raise money.
8. They’re potentially going to have a lot of big questions, especially in the faith space. Don’t feel like you have to have answers. None of us do. Take them back to simple truths.
Brad Schwall at The Center offered these talking points for navigating grief and sudden loss.
Navigating Grief in Sudden Loss, By Dr. Brad Schwall, The Center
Sudden and unexpected loss causes shock and disbelief and disbelief. We may feel like we are in a dream. The reality is difficult to grasp. Some principles to keep in mind in the process of our grief may help us navigate through the sadness.
- Praying and being with and talking with others are key to our initial grieving. Prayer reminds us of God’s presence and comfort even when we are experiencing a loss that is so hard to understand. Take advantage of opportunities for prayer with others and being with community.
- Process your feelings and questions. Embrace that there are no easy answers. Just identifying and voicing our questions and feelings helps in the grieving process.
- Have empathy for and pray for family and all those who are providing support and care.
- Remember that grief is a process. Grieving happens over time and must be navigated throughout the changes and adjustments we make as we deal with loss.
- Don’t ignore your personal grief as you support and care for others.
Talking to Children about Sudden Loss
- Be honest and direct. It is difficult, but it is better to be direct about death. Different ages will have different levels of understanding of death.
- Validate that this is heartbreaking and that families, friends, and the church are very sad. Validate that this is a shock and very hard to understand.
- Pray together for the family. Your child may be friends with the family. Help your child grieve and help them be a part of the care and support through prayer.
- Emphasize that we are with God when we die. Understand that children will have different levels of understanding, but focus on God’s presence and care.
- Be prepared for questions. Children may wonder if this could happen to their siblings, parents, or family. Anticipate these questions, but take your child’s lead only responding to questions when they are asked.
Children will worry about their own friends and classmates. We focus on validating the feeling and worry rather than giving an answer to the feeling. The main need of the child is to have someone understand and validate her or his feelings. This focus on empathy also respects the fact that we can’t make any promises. We can reassure them that it is rare that we die suddenly, but we want to focus on our care and concern for the families. We may then turn back to praying for their comfort and sense of God’s presence.
The Center for Integrative Counseling and Psychology has therapists who can provide grief counseling for children, teens, and adults. Children, teens, and adults may benefit from having a therapist walk them through feelings and questions.
For information or to schedule an appointment, you may email Dr. Brad Schwall (bschwall@thecentercounseling.org) or call The Center at 214-526-4525.
www.thecentercounseling.org
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